Kingdumb Hurts
by mr.purple-cat
Summary: What would have happened if I was in charge? Read to find out. Please review, this is my first fic and I need pointers!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN KINGDOM HEARTS, BUT I DO OWN THE GAME. NOT THE STUPID DOORS OR COPYRIGHT, OTHERWISE I'D DO SOMETHING MORE CREATIVE.  
  
The Intro, And A Bad Soundtrack   
  
Sora drifted. He was having some strange thoughts. He was starting to doubt things, like his island. Riku seemed so far off, and Kairi... no, let's not think about Kairi. Now he doubted even more where he was. It felt like falling only through water. He opened his eyes. Then the music started.  
  
He screamed. My God!, he thought, Where the hell did that come from?!?! Music was filling his head. On the Destiny Islands, the most popular music was made from steel drums and was light and pleasant. The music he was being subjected to sounded like a strangled octopus trying to play a crushed tuba at the bottom of a well. He screamed again.  
  
By ripping off two pieces of his shirt and stuffing them in his ears, Sora managed to escape instant death. He fell a little while longer. If you asked him later, he would tell you that he fell for long enough to take a nap. This is not true. He actually took three naps and played a game of smash the paopu, but he was asleep and couldn't tell.   
  
A blinding flash filled Sora's world. He landed on his head in the middle of a beach. After he pulled his head out of the sand, he looked around. He was on an island surrounds my clear blue seas and teeming with palms. Deftly, and almost too quickly he pulls a pair of sun glasses out of his pocket, and stabbed himself in the eye. After several tries and a few minutes of running in circles cursing, he managed to get them on.   
  
He looked out to the ocean. Then he sighed and started wading in. His thoughts ran something like this: That stupid Riku, he's done it again. Went into the water for a swim and forgot how to walk half-way out....I'd better go get him. Dammit, he's wearing those stupid pants again, also.  
  
Sure enough, there was another boy standing in the water. He has silvery hair that reflected the water. For some reason known only to him, he was wearing blue chaps that puffed out obscenely at the bottom. He turned around and Sora thought: Nuts, he remembered already and I've waded in enough to make it look like I wet myself. Then he noticed the wave. Riku (the blue-pants one) stuck his hand out to Sora. "No way," shouted Sora, "I'm not going any closer to that wave than I have to!" and ran towards shore. Riku, feeling very sad about this, curled up into a fetal position and started to cry. The wave washed over them both, anyway.  
  
When Sora surfaced, it was nighttime. He looked to the beach and saw Kairi, who apparently had had a few drinks and was gibbering at the sky. "Sora, look out!" she shouted. "You're falling from the sky!" Sora turned the last few words over in his mind. He was about to come back with a snappy response when he got hit in the head by (who else?) himself. He passed out.  
  
When he woke up, he was face down in a crater in a stained-glass window with lots and lots of birds pooping on his head. The music stopped. 


	2. Testing 1,2,3

What will happen in chapter two? Why does Riku wear those pants? Why does everything taste like   
  
chicken? Read to find out in.....  
  
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/Chapter Two!!\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-(ta-da)  
  
Testing, 1,2,3  
  
Sora stood up and brushed himself off. 'Where am I,' he thought. He looked around. He was standing on   
  
what seemed to be a large stained glass window. The picture on it was of a girl that made Sora think some   
  
strange thoughts indeed. Sora grinned and fell over, twitching slightly. Than a voice boomed across his   
  
mind.  
  
"All right, on your feet you stupid moron. We have a lot to do and less tome to do it in, and I have to be at   
  
the dentist in ten minutes (read quickly). Sora got to his feet and dumbly stared around. "Erm..." he murmured.   
  
"Shut up! Now, I start testing you and teaching you stuff. Can you walk? Yes? Good. Now hold on to your underwear."  
  
The ground rumbled under Sora. Three stone pillars burst through the glass, each with a weapon suspended by a bit of fishing line over it.  
  
"Pick one," snapped the voice, " and be quick about it." Sora walked to the pillar with a staff hanging from its string. Ungracefully, he clambered onto the pillar, and snapped the staff off the line.   
  
"Okay. This is the part where I explain about your weapons. This is a staff. Got that?" Some part of Sora's dormant brain ground into action. "Uh," he asked ,"Who the hell are you?" He said as politely as he could.  
  
"Nobody"  
  
"Then why are you talking to me?"  
  
"Fine! My name is Muttermuttermutter."  
  
"Didn't quite catch that."  
  
"My name is Alouisios Jemima Nosepicker, if you really must know, now, this is a staff. It's just about useless. That over there, is a shield. The best part about shields is that stuff happens on the other side. The last weapon is a sword. It's really big and really pointy. The concept of sword usage is simple. Hold one end and stick the other end into someone. Which do you want to keep, and which to you want to give up?"  
  
Sora thought for a moment, and picked the sword and gave up the staff. Then the floor gave out. He tumbled down to another level of stained glass, where he landed on his face. He recovered in time to recover from the fall this time, which was good because he had time to jump out of the way of the sword falling after him. He wrenched the sword out of the glass and heard the voice say, "All right. You picked the sword. Let's see how well you can use it."   
  
For a few seconds Sora stared around blankly before he realized that there were shadows on the floor besides his own. He gripped the sword tighter, and his hands began to sweat. The shadows took form... Sora relaxed slightly. The shadows looked like shapeless insects with little lights in their heads where someone better at designing villains would put eyes. On the other hand, Selphie looked like a cute little kid until you were on the receiving end of her jump rope. A shadow attacked.  
  
The world slipped away from Sora. This was a battle. Nothing else mattered. He dismissed the first shadow with a cleaving chop that cut it in two. He found himself surrounded by four others and set of after one of them with his signature spinning combo. The back lash hit one off of the glass pillar and into the surrounding abyss. The last shadow was quicker than the others. When Sora sliced after it, the thing sidestepped it and charged after him. Sora was knocked over backwards, and the shadow's claws tore strips out of his sweater. He dropped the sword and threw the thing bodily from him. It landed with a thud and dissolved into a pool of darkness. Sora came out of his battle-haze as the pool of darkness began to spread. Sora ran away from it and executed a perfect impression of a giraffe attempting a swan dive over the side.  
  
This time, He landed on his feet on the next window. This one had a rather tacky pattern of hearts and flowers.  
  
"Okay, now it's time for you to fill out your resume," said the voice. A desk and a piece of paper and pen appeared. The glass creaked under the weight. "You have five minutes." Sora panicked for the first four, and came up with one line during the fifth. The end product read:  
  
As Per Gaming Manual.  
  
The glass broke out from under him. The window he landed on had another princess-ish thing on it. There was a mist covered green spot near he nose that made her look quite less attractive than she could have.   
  
"I suggest you replenish your health before your final test," said the voice. "You do that by standing on the green thing." Sora shuffled over to it and sure enough, he felt a burst of energy. The test began.  
  
He could tell because his shadow suddenly turned into a giant shadow thing with really messy hair. It had a heart shaped hole in the middle of it's chest. Sora looked down and found that he was holding his sword. The giant raised a fist and slammed it into the glass, creating a spiraling pool of gooey black stuff. Smaller shadows began emerging from it. Sora ran to engage them and accidentally slashed the giant's hand. It roared in agony, and Sora jumped on it's trembling hand and started stabbing like a maddened woodpecker. The giant lifted it's fist with Sora still on it and he was thrown into the thing's hair. Sora turned his head and found himself looking into a huge yellow eye. With an evil grin, he kicked out hard. The giant threw back its head, and Sora closed his eyes... 


	3. Carribean Vacations

Sorry I took forever updating. I was failing math so I had to study. Anyway, thanks to all of 2 people who reviewed. You guys rock. OK, enough with the crap. Chapter three awaits...  
  
Chapter three- woo yay Caribbean vacations!  
  
...And opened them. Sora woke up looking into the ugly mug of a salmon. It took him a good five seconds to realize that he was face down in the ocean. He stood up, hacking and spraying sea water everywhere. "Oh good," he thought. "I'm back hom-"  
  
A coconut hit him in the back of the head, cutting off his thoughts. Looking towards shore, Sora found the source of the disturbance. Wakka and Selphie, the two usual beach bums were very tactfully minding their own business, and not looking at Kairi in any way(Kairi threw the coconut).   
  
"Sora, you lazy bum, get your lazy rear end over here, NOW!" shouted Kairi. She tossed another coconut lightly from one hand to another.  
  
Now, before Sora suffers another minor concussion, might be a good time to explain a little about Kairi. She randomly appeared on the Destiny Islands at some indefinite point before this story was written. She had brown hair, blue eyes, and a tendency towards mood swings. She was also the reason that Riku and Sora didn't shoot themselves and make life simpler for a lot of people. She gave them both strange ideas. Like Riku's idea to build a raft to "sail to happyland, where the little rabbits play," as he would put it.  
  
Sora ran to shore as fast as he could. He knew before Kairi told him what he needed, but interrupting her sweet mood would mean another coconut. He set about gathering three logs, cloth, a rope, and a can of silly string. Being the freeloader that he was, he asked Wakka if he had anything in the above list in those strange pants of his. Wakka, who liked picking fights, said "Ya homeboy, I gots what ya wants, but you got to take it. Wimp." He then got beaten rather badly by Sora's wooden sword, and had the entire contents of his pantaloons raided. Sora left his pants looking oddly deflated. He also had everything he needed save one log.  
  
Before he continued on his quest for what should be easy to find in a perfect tropical island, he beat up Tidis and Selphie, who was wearing a large yellow ballgown. Lets not even go into the issue of Tidus's pants. He then proceeded to Riku's little island thing.   
  
Whenever Sora fought Riku, somebody ended up with several fewer brain cells than they started with. That person was usually Sora, which was good, considering that Riku didn't have many to spare. This time, Sora really wanted to beat him badly. He had beaten everyone else. He was on a roll. He climbed to the top of Riku's island, and there he was, the prat himself.   
  
It took a while, but Sora was finally able to attract his attention.   
  
"Oh, hello Sora," said Riku. "have you smelled the silly string? It smells good." Sora, who was used to this sort of thing, said "now, now Riku, what have we been told about sniffing un-hardened polymers? Now, I want you t o give me a log. But you wont so-"  
  
" Why not?" cut in Riku  
  
"Because I said so. Now, I have to fight you for it. I s that okay?"  
  
Riku shrugged. "Suit yourself." He pulled a giant metal cleaver out of his pocket. Sora goggled at it, and, feeling foolish, took out his wooden sword. Riku charged . With inexplicable timing, Sora jumped over his head, swapped his sword for a log, and hit him from behind. Riku went cross-eyed, and fell with a thump. Very carefully, Sora relieved him of a log, and ran away very fast. He spent the rest of the day doing strange things to hamsters in his room. 


	4. Its raining things

Geez, I took forever in updating. Whatsit been? 6 months? God, I hate my math teacher. She keeps failing me. Anyway, here goes the fourth little piece of god-forsaken trash I am attempting to pass as a fanfic.  
  
Chapter four It's raining... THINGS... hallelujah  
  
When Sora woke up the next day, he found that he had sleepwalked all the way up the boardwalk and had gotten his head stuck in a barrel. After a while, he got free and went off in search of Kairi. She wasn't anywhere to be seen. He beat up a few palm trees to pass the time, and quickly found another pastime when one very peculiar looking tree hit back.  
  
That was when he realized that he hadn't looked in the cove yet. He ran over to the door and tried to open it for five whole minutes before he realized that the door opens in. He finally got the thing open and stepped through.  
  
Expectantly he shouted, "Hey Kairi, what arglmphg". Riku had sat on his head around the letter G. It wasn't until later that Sora realized that Riku had been trying to show him his new G-string. For some reason, Riku's weird underwear always reminded Kairi of home.  
  
Sora's thoughts were cut off when Riku shouted into his ear. "Racie time! Come princess glorgon shorts! We must boing to flash flash tree!" For those of you not fluent in Riku, he just said "Hey, Sora, wanna race? KAIRI! Start us off willya?"  
  
Seeing no other way to get Riku off his face, Sora agreed. The race was always the same. To the odd-looking tree and back. Riku started in front. He was a faster runner, so Sora always won in the same way. He threw a shiny rock at Riku and the ballon-pantsed idiot just stared at it while the other buffoon won the race. Then he got his prize.  
  
It was not exactly the small island to rule that he had expected.  
  
"...And then you can do my laundry, don't forget to sing my socks a lullaby beforehand. They usually like the 793 verse 'ballad of edited for profanity' unless it's a Monday, which it is, in which case they like a three-hour performance of 'the pizza jig'. Remember to wear clown shoes. After that you can wrap up the day by getting all that trivial stuff for our voyage, like food and water." Kairi finished her list of things for Sora to do by attempting to do a Riku impression and fly away. As could be expected, this came to an abrupt, sandy ending. It took Sora the rest of the day to get to the laundry. That took a while (twenty-four and two thirds hours) because Kairi had a lot of socks that were so dirty that they were showing signs of intelligent life.  
  
When he finished getting the food, it was Tuesday night. That's approximately when it started raining oozy purple blobs. 'Damn," thought Sora. "This wasn't in the forecast" The forecast had in fact been for light yellow blobs. It wasn't until they took actual physical shape that Sora got worried. They turned out to look like the odd insect things from the even odder dream, with one extremely evident difference.  
  
"Oh G-d no, please no!" shouted Sora desperately. "Not tourists! Anything but the ultimate evil on any island world!" He ran as fast as he could to Riku's island, which didn't actually make a lot of sense because Riku was on the list of 'least advisory people' as number 3, under George W. and your English teacher. What he found was Riku doing the backstroke in a growing pool of darkness. "Come prince Froogaloop! Join the thingy that's not light, but not fuzzy bunnies either!" Sora didn't try too hard to catch him. The silver haired boy was replaced by Kairi, who was inexplicably dressed in a tutu. She tried to speak to Sora while running at him, and what came out of her mouth was this: "SorayougoodfornothingslackergetmeoutofthisthingandsavemeoriwillTELLYOURMOM- MY!". She was about to fall into Sora's arms, causing major plot development and a boost of my ratings, but I'm stingy like that. So, she disappeared entirely. This time, a robed figure appeared in her place. It said, in a very high pitched voice something that will be totally not understandable until later chapters. "Well, Sora. You seem to be doing really well, considering you don't even know what the main plotline is yet. Anyway, I am the weird thing that likes blowing planets up as a hobby. No, I am not Michael Jackson. Anyway, you will need this key thing so you can whip the crap out of me later. Tata now!"  
  
He left Sora with a large key in his hand, feeling like he was ready for anything. He didn't know how wrong he was. 


End file.
